Divorce

Sometimes in life people do something they probably never dream about doing and that is divorce.  After reading articles, hearing testimonies in class, and seeing and hearing data about divorce and blended families, I feel a lot more informed. 
At what point should you divorce?  In class, we decided that neglect/abuse, substance, and adultery were all very valid reasons for divorce, but outside of that, nobody really had an answer.  It is such a personal choice. Studies do show that 70% of couples that work through marital issues over a 5 year span, are very or somewhat satisfied that they never divorced.

We talked about effects of divorce on a family.  Here are some of the results:
1- Children of a divorced parent will most often divorce themselves.
2-Children in a divorced home will often blame themselves because often times the parents end up fighting over them.
3-If there is legal custody of a child and it is 50/50, the child tends to have more "power" over their parents.
4-62% of a mother and child will go in poverty when father is out of the picture
5-The lifestyle of parents change because dad is now paying child support and often times will have to move further away (400 miles on average) to get a better income to pay for two households.

President James E. Faust said, "The traumatic experience one goes through in divorce seems little understood and not well enough appreciated; and certainly there need to be much more sympathy and understanding for those who have experienced this great tragedy and whose lives cannot be reversed. For those who are divorced, there is still much to be hoped for and expected in terms of fulfillment and happiness in life, in the forgetting of self and in the rendering of service to others."

This class has changed my life on insights into families and relationships. I hope to take this knowledge as I continue to raise my family. Again, thanks for following this blog- I have appreciated your comments.

My Forever Family!

Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them." - President Thomas S. Monson

 

When I was little, I remember saying that when I grow up the only thing I wanted to be was a mom!  I am grateful for this blessing of having children and having this wish granted!  My children have been the center of my universe!  I love their personalities! I love their hugs! I love our talks together! I love our family trips together! I hurt when they hurt or don't succeed! I love to take care of them! I love to watch them grow physically, academically and spiritually!  I just love them!  

 

Parenting is an exciting time, but it is also a trying time too.  No day is ever perfect, but how a parent deals with the day helps set the tone for the whole house.    We learned of three different types of parenting- Authoritarian-control oriented, few choices, "you must respect me!", Permissive-neglecting child's needs, choices and no consequences, little effort or direction, and Authoritative-friendly, but firm, long term results, consistent, and transparent. I would like to think I am an Authoritative type parent.  Although, I think at times I see myself, depending on the issue, fall into any one of those categories.  I think the important issue to remember is the phrase, "Be firm and friendly."  We can be our children's friends, but we also need to teach them.  Most of the time those lessons are best taught by letting them take the lead, even when it's not the choice you would take and then possibly failing. We may need to step in when it is too dangerous/physical harm, too far into the future, or it affects others negatively.  The goal is not compliance, it is learning.  I am learning. I am not perfect, but I am learning.  I can't say it enough that I am grateful to be a mom to Marissa, 

Josh, Dan, and Abrea!

 

I have absolutely loved this class! I walked out of class this week, and thought-this class is real life.  We will all have relationships and need to know how to communicate.  We all came from families and have been parented or will parent, and we all go through some form of crisis.  Thank you for following my blog.  I have one week left of class, but would like to keep writing for anybody wanting to follow!

Finances

"We do live in turbulent times. Often the future is unknown; therefore, it behooves us to prepare for uncertainties. Statistics reveal that at some time, for a variety of reasons, you may find yourself in the role of financial provider. I urge you to pursue your education and learn marketable skills so that, should such a situation arise, you are prepared to provide."  - President Thomas S. Monson

 

Two years ago our family uprooted from our home in Washington.  We had lived in that area for 15 years. This was a exciting, but very hard move for us.  At this time, we had everything in financial control......or so we thought.  Fast forward to 2 years later, we have found a way to really be in financial control.  

 

My father and mother-in-law got called on a Mormon mission to Brazil for 18 months.  This was an exciting time for our family!  We had offered a year previous to ever help out where we could if they ever wanted go and serve.  We knew that they had help Great Grandma Shirley a lot and would have a hard time leaving her. Since Brian is employed with a company that allows him to work from home, we knew this would be a possibility for us to also take this journey.  The kids were all on board (except one, kind of) and we packed up our belongings that could fit into a 26 foot UHaul, sold some of our stuff, gave away some of our stuff, and even burned some of our stuff to journey to Idaho!  This was going to be a fun experience as a family! and it has been!

 

Having no mortgage was an easy adjustment, how could it not be?  We quickly realized though with the improvements we had made to our home in Washington and a few other small debts, that we really did not have extra money and this is where that mortgage money needed to go.  What a blessing this was in our lives!  Mom and Dad Shirley, we cannot thank you enough!  Brian and I realized that we had to really work hard to pay these debts off and save so we could be in a home before our parents returned from their mission!  If you want to find out how to decrease your debt in a very effect way, please read Marvin J. Ashton's talk, "One for the Money". This can be found via LDS.org or ProvidentLiving.org. 

 

I have learned a lot about needs and wants these last couple of years.  As we packed up to move, I realized that stuff is just that-Stuff!  As long as you have the means to provide and take care of your spouse and children, that is all that matters.  As I look around my home, I am so grateful for a husband that works hard and is successful in his job that he provides so well for his family!  I am also grateful for the education I have and I am getting to also help provide.  There are many opportunities out in the world to improve your lifestyle with education-Go Make Your Dreams Come True

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Family Communication

"Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say, like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'."- President Ezra Taft Benson

My sisters-me, Jo, Tasha, Marci, Mishelle, Kami, Rashelle, & Tamara

How does your family communicate? Communication comes through more than mere words. We also communicate with non-verbal words-our actions, our verbal-words and our tone.  In fact, did you know that words make up only 14% of our communication, tone is 35%, and non-verbal is 51%!  When our mom's said, "Actions speak louder than words", she knew what she was talking about!

Another sister-me & Amber

Rashelle, Shane( brother) & me

For some, communication is an art-it comes easily, always make sense, and the words seem to flow so freely.  For others, communication is learned. It has hard to say what you mean, or quite often one may have the words formulated in their head, but it comes out all wrong.

Jo, Tasha, me & Jeff-brother

Yes, one more sister & brother-JB & Jess

I have many examples in my life of communication and loyalty-- my family!  I have posted many pictures in my blog today, because I wanted to share where my greatest friends and examples have been of how to communicate. They have "give (me) the benefit of the doubt, assuming the best (in me), and being patiently and kind and generous in my communication to them.  I have 7 siblings and my husband has 2 siblings, but I consider all of my brothers and sisters-in-law, as my own siblings.  You may call that crazy, but I love it! There have been many times over the years that my siblings have been very patient with me.  I have a habit of speaking before I speak.  As you can imagine, at times this has maybe hurt feelings and been very embarrassing!   My siblings though are my greatest fans and have looked on my heart and not so much of my words.  They have offered great feedback-how I know my words were really received.  I have adjusted over the years, but at times it is easy to slip up.

 In Ephsians 4:26-27 it reads, "Be ye angry; and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath; neither give place to the devil." vs. 29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Some examples of corrupt communication are criticism, sarcasm, belittling, etc. The second part of that verse is how I would like to end this blog and it is how my professor ended class, "Anything you may say, make sure it is full of grace, it builds up, it edifies, and it is pure. My siblings- thank you for being loyal to me-I love you!

Dealing with and overcoming Crisis

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I knew I had to include this amazing quote in my blog that Bro. Williams shared with us in our syllabus. I just loved it! I will jump to assumptions that each of you reading my blog have had some kind of crisis in your life. How did you deal with it? And how did you deal with the stress that was associated with it? I would like to share a personal crisis in my life and my coping mechanism.

In 2006 and then again in 2008, my world came tumbling down on me when I had a miscarriage each of those times. One of the miscarriages scared me to death, literally physically and the second miscarriage in 2008 emotionally destroyed me. I would like to focus on the latter. Since I experienced this heartache once, I thought that the 2nd time I was more ready mentally for this. I had 4 lives births and what are the odds to have another miscarriage? I felt different. I knew my body was making the appropriate changes it needed- at least I was growing. I was further along- almost 12 weeks. My kids old enough to understand what had happened before repeatedly asked me if this baby was going to die like the last one and my response was always the same, "No, it is different this time." I went in that morning to have my appointment. Brian asked if he should go and this being my 6th time going through this and knowing he had work meetings, I quickly said, "It's ok, I am going to be fine and I know you have work that needs to get done" and off I went. Oh how I wish I would've had him there. The nurse could not hear a heartbeat, the next nurse could not hear a heartbeat, and then a third nurse could not hear a heartbeat. I still was not worried. I have a tipped uterus and I knew that from past experience that sometimes the doctors and nurses had a hard time finding a heartbeat that first or second appointment. Anyway, off they sent me to get an ultrasound. I called my husband to inform him what was going on and he then asked again if he should come meet me. Again, I said, "Honey, I am not even worried. I am going to be fine." Laying on the table getting an ultrasound I was fine, until I heard the words, "There definitely is a baby there and there definitely is no heartbeat." My baby was again taken from me. I was in shock! The thoughts that this can't be happening again to me and how do I tell my kids who were SO excited to have a baby again in the home would not escape my mind.

Fast forward to the next morning, we shared with my kids that we had lost our baby, many tears and hugs were shared between all of us. It was as devastating to them as it was to me, but in a very different manner of course.

How did I deal with this? Well, to be totally honest, I didn't for awhile. The first week or two, I laid in bed very sad and depressed. My kids would go off to school and I decided nothing could really motivate me. I had some "angels" in my life that would come over clean my house, make me dinner, sit with me, watch a movie with me, take my kids after school, etc. What a valuable resource to me-my friends! My family lived out of state except one sister who was 1 1/2 hr. away, but they also were a valuable resource. My sister took my kids on the weekend and I had a sister-in-law who had gone through the same thing and literally called me everyday! I will never forget the days that were really hard, I would look forward to her call. That was my "light" in my day. Another very valuable resource to me was my faith. I knew that because of Heavenly Father's plan that I would get to see this baby again! But I was not emotionally ready to move on. It hurt too bad! The coping mechanism that I used was denial. After a couple of weeks, the calls became more infrequent and I knew this was not healthy to not "live" and I had to pretend that I was ok to be a good mother to the rest of my children. Looking back, I know it was ok to pretend for awhile because as time went by little by little, I knew I would be ok. Kids are resilient, they were sad, but accepted and moved on it seemed in no time. My husband was a huge support to me. A man's experience through something like this is very different from the mother's. The emotional attachment had not yet begun for him, I believe because it was so early on. In time, I was fine as well.

I loved some of the comments in class this week from Bro. Williams. "The minute adjustments we make become enormous", and "copying is not just learning how to get by." As I view my crisis in regards to these statements, I do notice that is was just the smallest minute adjustments that helped me start coping with my situation. I also notice that copying was not getting me back to who I was. I had to do more than that to live again. Heavenly Father loves each of us. We came to this earth to grow and have trails, and without them we cannot grow and become like Him. I am thankful for trials that have helped me discover who I am and what I am made of.

 

Intimacy and Family Life

This week's topic was not very comfortable for me to talk about in a class setting.  Thank heavens for Bro. Williams, our professor, in his teaching style and the way he makes everyone feel at ease in his address. He addressed it in a manner that we talked about the differences between men and women. For purposes of this blog, I would like to focus on the part of intimacy that you can teach your children about this topic at different stages in their life.  For instance, at 4 years old, I believe that you should only teach your child what they need to know or are inquiring about at that time--for example, teach them that their male friends or girl friends have different body parts than they do.  I think it is very appropriate to teach them the correct anatomical body parts of each of the genders.  I also believe that by age 9, if you have not shared with them about the birds and the bees, that they will have already heard most everything.  How important is it to you that your child hears about this sacred topic from you-the parent?  Or does it matter who gives them the information?  Of course it does! Our children need to hear about this topic from you-their parents not their peers!  I also believe if you are not embarrassed or try to hide this information from your kids, then they will always come to you to ask questions.

Transitions to Marriage

This week in class we talked about the courting and the proposal stage of a couple's relationship, the wedding, the adjustments right after you are married and then the adjustments a husband/wife go through right after they have a baby.  It was very fun to listen this week in class to all the young college coeds talk about these topics.  It made me reflect on that stage of life for me.  I loved everything about my courting with Brian.  My proposal would not be made into a movie, but it was very endearing. Brian was so excited to propose to me, he couldn't keep a secret, so right in my college apartment, sitting on the couch, he pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him.  I smiled a huge grin, but then asked him if he would at least get on one knee.  My wish was granted, and I said "YES!" 
As talked about in class, there are adjustments to married life. Shortly after Brian and I were married, I started noticing our shampoo disappearing at rapid rates for only two people.  One day, I noticed he was shampooing his hair, he rinsed, and then started the process over again.  "What are you doing?" I questioned.  His reply, which still makes me giggle, "The back of the bottle says, 'Repeat if desired', and I desire to do so." :) Adjustments can be big or small.....
We were married a month shy of three years before we welcomed our beautiful baby daughter, Marissa.  Again, there are adjustments to being new parents. We quickly recognized that our carefree life would never be quite as carefree again. We now were on a schedule- no more late nights running to the store or to the movies unless planned with a babysitter. Our lives evolved with adjustments of schedule, but what a beautiful world our lives had become with a baby followed by three more.  I loved that time in my life of courting and being newly married, but I am also happy in the stage of life I am in now-if not more!

Dating and Defining Love

One thing that came to mind this week for me--- I am glad I am not in the dating phase of life!  Don't get me wrong, I loved it when I was in it 22 years ago. I am just happy that I have found the love of my life, Brian, through dating him in many variety of activities.  We hiked, picnicked, watch movies, barbecued, played cards and games with my parents many times, took a couple trips to Utah to see family, went to sporting events, out to dinner, and the list goes on.  I really enjoy getting to know Brian through many activities. 
I liked class this week because I could now look back at my situation and listen to my classmates talking about their dating situations and realize time passes, but much of the same concerns exist. 

We also talked about what defines love.  We came to the realization that there are many degrees of love and many different kinds of love.  I love my spouse because I feel like we include all aspects of love whether it's looking out for each other, a best friend kind of love and a passionate love.  He encompasses what I need.  Besides, how could one not love Brian!  I'm lucky he's mine!

Gender roles

This week we talked on a very controversial topic--gender roles.  I really appreciated doing more research on this topic.  It was interesting to read research, have discussions in class, and talk to others about this topic. In a manual our church published, "A Parent's Guide", chapter 4, it states: "Role identity refers to an understanding of oneself in relation to others. In contrast, gender identity involves an understanding and accepting of one’s own gender, with little reference to others; one’s gender roles usually focus upon the social interaction associated with being male or female. Parents can help children to establish during these years a good foundation for later intimacy by helping them understand true principles about how a son or daughter of God should relate to others in his or her gender roles." I really appreciate this statement because it reminds me that as a parent, Heavenly Father has trusted us to identify with our children's needs and trusts that we will help them understand their gender that he has laid out for us in His plan. 

 In 1995, when The Proclamation to the Family was produced, I couldn't understand why we needed to be told what a family consisted of and the roles of a husband and wife. I soon realized that the world would start to wonder what constitutes a family.  Many researchers have tried to show that one is born gay, but I know that to be false; that we all have a choice.  I do not discredit that one can have tendencies like one who has tendencies for alcohol, or gambling.  It is a choice on us to act on those tendencies. I am grateful for the knowledge I have of my Savior's plan and that it involves an eternal family unit of a father and a mother.   

Mother & Father

Social Classes

This week we had readings, youtube videos, and discussions on different social classes.  I found them very intriguing.  As I did my assignments, there was an experience that came to my mind when I moved back to Idaho after not living here for 20 years.  I would like to share that with you.  I was applying for a job in one of the local schools around here and I had some additional questions to ask the receptionist as I handed in my resume.  She did not know my answers and put me through to the supervisor of that job.  I had mentioned after I hung up the phone to the receptionist that my mom used to work for her years ago.  She then looked at me and then looked at my resume, and said, "so did you put your maiden name on your resume?"  I was shocked and somewhat offended.  Don't get me wrong, I love my maiden name and I am very proud that I come from the parents I do, but I had been married for 20 years, and my name is Shiree Shirley.  I looked at the receptionist, and said , "No, I did not. Shouldn't my experience and name speak for myself?"  Needless to say, I did not get that job.  This experience though reminded me of the social class a small town brings, where you are known for your name and that can carry a lot of weight, for good or bad. 

Family Theories

This weeks topics were a little bit harder for me to understand until I went to class.  Yay! for my professor, Bro. Williams!  He is an amazing teacher who can get a class of  35+ to participate in daily discussions and hold your attention.  At 8:00 in the morning, that can sometimes be difficult! I really love going to class because I know I will get something out of it when I have put in my time before attending class.
That being said, this week we talked about theories.  As we talked about Conflict Theory, Symbolic Interaction Theory, Exchange Theory and Family System Theory, my mind wandered to my relationships with my family that I grew up in.  What kind of family was mine for the most part?  I grew up the 5th child out of eight-five girls and three boys. My family was not perfect.  We had our fights, at times had the mentality of "you owe me one", and definitely some body language reactions as well as sarcastic remarks.  But, I feel very lucky to say that when I look back after all these years of being married and raising my own family, the positive outweighs the negative. My family worked hard together and played hard together.  We were analyzed as a whole, had boundaries-this would be a Family System Theory.  An example of this kind of theory suggests when one person is feeling stress, then the whole family also feels that weight and then each member is relying on each other to help pull them through. My mom died of cancer 15 years ago. She was only 54.  This was extremely hard on my dad and all of us kids.  Because of our tight bonds and love for each other, we were able to lean on each other for strength and support.  This tight circle would occasionally need extra support.  We added to our circle with spouses, grandkids, aunts, uncles, and friends. I feel very grateful for my circle of support!
I also feel very blessed to have the relationship I do with my parents, brothers and sisters!

Well, I made it through my first week of school, not easy I might add.  There is a reason you should go to college while you are young!
This week's reading has been very interesting so far.  Lots of trends, basically from the United States, on numbers of Americans living alone, births to unmarried women by race, and cohabitation to name a few.  The trend in all of these three have gone up a lot from the 1960's-70's to 2009.  As I read this, I couldn't help but think, why?  What has changed?  One of the topics I want to understand more about is divorce.  Has it really gone up or is just more information being recorded?  Has the trend of
living alone gone up because there are more divorces or did people just never marry and chose to live alone?  Go ahead, give me your input and feedback.  I'd love to hear!
I am very lucky, my parents never did divorce.  My mother passed away after 34 years of marriage.  Their marriage was strong.  They had their different upbringings.  My mother was from the city, wore fancy gloves with her dresses.  My dad,a country boy, and grew up on a farm riding horses.  Love brought them together, but commitment and hard work kept them together.  This is the example I lean to for my own marriage.  Again, what do you think on these topics?

My first class in 21 years

My family at the Puget Sound in Olympia, WA

Hi!  Welcome to my blog.  I have a couple of firsts this last week.  1- this is my first blog that I have ever created and 2- this is the first time I have gone to college as a mom!  I have been married for 21 years.  When I graduated from Ricks College in 1993, I had all intentions to get my bachelor's degree at Weber State. It never happened.  Deep down I never forgot that desire I had to finish school.  Four children later and many experiences and memories, here I finally am back in school!  I cannot tell you how nervous I was Monday night/Tuesday morning before I entered into Clark 317. Yep, I almost vomited! 
I am so excited to start this major in Marriage and Family Studies.  Bro. Williams is my professor and he adds so many insights into our readings that further testify to me that this is the major I was meant to be in.