Divorce

Sometimes in life people do something they probably never dream about doing and that is divorce.  After reading articles, hearing testimonies in class, and seeing and hearing data about divorce and blended families, I feel a lot more informed. 
At what point should you divorce?  In class, we decided that neglect/abuse, substance, and adultery were all very valid reasons for divorce, but outside of that, nobody really had an answer.  It is such a personal choice. Studies do show that 70% of couples that work through marital issues over a 5 year span, are very or somewhat satisfied that they never divorced.

We talked about effects of divorce on a family.  Here are some of the results:
1- Children of a divorced parent will most often divorce themselves.
2-Children in a divorced home will often blame themselves because often times the parents end up fighting over them.
3-If there is legal custody of a child and it is 50/50, the child tends to have more "power" over their parents.
4-62% of a mother and child will go in poverty when father is out of the picture
5-The lifestyle of parents change because dad is now paying child support and often times will have to move further away (400 miles on average) to get a better income to pay for two households.

President James E. Faust said, "The traumatic experience one goes through in divorce seems little understood and not well enough appreciated; and certainly there need to be much more sympathy and understanding for those who have experienced this great tragedy and whose lives cannot be reversed. For those who are divorced, there is still much to be hoped for and expected in terms of fulfillment and happiness in life, in the forgetting of self and in the rendering of service to others."

This class has changed my life on insights into families and relationships. I hope to take this knowledge as I continue to raise my family. Again, thanks for following this blog- I have appreciated your comments.

My Forever Family!

Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them." - President Thomas S. Monson

 

When I was little, I remember saying that when I grow up the only thing I wanted to be was a mom!  I am grateful for this blessing of having children and having this wish granted!  My children have been the center of my universe!  I love their personalities! I love their hugs! I love our talks together! I love our family trips together! I hurt when they hurt or don't succeed! I love to take care of them! I love to watch them grow physically, academically and spiritually!  I just love them!  

 

Parenting is an exciting time, but it is also a trying time too.  No day is ever perfect, but how a parent deals with the day helps set the tone for the whole house.    We learned of three different types of parenting- Authoritarian-control oriented, few choices, "you must respect me!", Permissive-neglecting child's needs, choices and no consequences, little effort or direction, and Authoritative-friendly, but firm, long term results, consistent, and transparent. I would like to think I am an Authoritative type parent.  Although, I think at times I see myself, depending on the issue, fall into any one of those categories.  I think the important issue to remember is the phrase, "Be firm and friendly."  We can be our children's friends, but we also need to teach them.  Most of the time those lessons are best taught by letting them take the lead, even when it's not the choice you would take and then possibly failing. We may need to step in when it is too dangerous/physical harm, too far into the future, or it affects others negatively.  The goal is not compliance, it is learning.  I am learning. I am not perfect, but I am learning.  I can't say it enough that I am grateful to be a mom to Marissa, 

Josh, Dan, and Abrea!

 

I have absolutely loved this class! I walked out of class this week, and thought-this class is real life.  We will all have relationships and need to know how to communicate.  We all came from families and have been parented or will parent, and we all go through some form of crisis.  Thank you for following my blog.  I have one week left of class, but would like to keep writing for anybody wanting to follow!

Finances

"We do live in turbulent times. Often the future is unknown; therefore, it behooves us to prepare for uncertainties. Statistics reveal that at some time, for a variety of reasons, you may find yourself in the role of financial provider. I urge you to pursue your education and learn marketable skills so that, should such a situation arise, you are prepared to provide."  - President Thomas S. Monson

 

Two years ago our family uprooted from our home in Washington.  We had lived in that area for 15 years. This was a exciting, but very hard move for us.  At this time, we had everything in financial control......or so we thought.  Fast forward to 2 years later, we have found a way to really be in financial control.  

 

My father and mother-in-law got called on a Mormon mission to Brazil for 18 months.  This was an exciting time for our family!  We had offered a year previous to ever help out where we could if they ever wanted go and serve.  We knew that they had help Great Grandma Shirley a lot and would have a hard time leaving her. Since Brian is employed with a company that allows him to work from home, we knew this would be a possibility for us to also take this journey.  The kids were all on board (except one, kind of) and we packed up our belongings that could fit into a 26 foot UHaul, sold some of our stuff, gave away some of our stuff, and even burned some of our stuff to journey to Idaho!  This was going to be a fun experience as a family! and it has been!

 

Having no mortgage was an easy adjustment, how could it not be?  We quickly realized though with the improvements we had made to our home in Washington and a few other small debts, that we really did not have extra money and this is where that mortgage money needed to go.  What a blessing this was in our lives!  Mom and Dad Shirley, we cannot thank you enough!  Brian and I realized that we had to really work hard to pay these debts off and save so we could be in a home before our parents returned from their mission!  If you want to find out how to decrease your debt in a very effect way, please read Marvin J. Ashton's talk, "One for the Money". This can be found via LDS.org or ProvidentLiving.org. 

 

I have learned a lot about needs and wants these last couple of years.  As we packed up to move, I realized that stuff is just that-Stuff!  As long as you have the means to provide and take care of your spouse and children, that is all that matters.  As I look around my home, I am so grateful for a husband that works hard and is successful in his job that he provides so well for his family!  I am also grateful for the education I have and I am getting to also help provide.  There are many opportunities out in the world to improve your lifestyle with education-Go Make Your Dreams Come True

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Family Communication

"Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say, like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'."- President Ezra Taft Benson

My sisters-me, Jo, Tasha, Marci, Mishelle, Kami, Rashelle, & Tamara

How does your family communicate? Communication comes through more than mere words. We also communicate with non-verbal words-our actions, our verbal-words and our tone.  In fact, did you know that words make up only 14% of our communication, tone is 35%, and non-verbal is 51%!  When our mom's said, "Actions speak louder than words", she knew what she was talking about!

Another sister-me & Amber

Rashelle, Shane( brother) & me

For some, communication is an art-it comes easily, always make sense, and the words seem to flow so freely.  For others, communication is learned. It has hard to say what you mean, or quite often one may have the words formulated in their head, but it comes out all wrong.

Jo, Tasha, me & Jeff-brother

Yes, one more sister & brother-JB & Jess

I have many examples in my life of communication and loyalty-- my family!  I have posted many pictures in my blog today, because I wanted to share where my greatest friends and examples have been of how to communicate. They have "give (me) the benefit of the doubt, assuming the best (in me), and being patiently and kind and generous in my communication to them.  I have 7 siblings and my husband has 2 siblings, but I consider all of my brothers and sisters-in-law, as my own siblings.  You may call that crazy, but I love it! There have been many times over the years that my siblings have been very patient with me.  I have a habit of speaking before I speak.  As you can imagine, at times this has maybe hurt feelings and been very embarrassing!   My siblings though are my greatest fans and have looked on my heart and not so much of my words.  They have offered great feedback-how I know my words were really received.  I have adjusted over the years, but at times it is easy to slip up.

 In Ephsians 4:26-27 it reads, "Be ye angry; and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath; neither give place to the devil." vs. 29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Some examples of corrupt communication are criticism, sarcasm, belittling, etc. The second part of that verse is how I would like to end this blog and it is how my professor ended class, "Anything you may say, make sure it is full of grace, it builds up, it edifies, and it is pure. My siblings- thank you for being loyal to me-I love you!

Dealing with and overcoming Crisis

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I knew I had to include this amazing quote in my blog that Bro. Williams shared with us in our syllabus. I just loved it! I will jump to assumptions that each of you reading my blog have had some kind of crisis in your life. How did you deal with it? And how did you deal with the stress that was associated with it? I would like to share a personal crisis in my life and my coping mechanism.

In 2006 and then again in 2008, my world came tumbling down on me when I had a miscarriage each of those times. One of the miscarriages scared me to death, literally physically and the second miscarriage in 2008 emotionally destroyed me. I would like to focus on the latter. Since I experienced this heartache once, I thought that the 2nd time I was more ready mentally for this. I had 4 lives births and what are the odds to have another miscarriage? I felt different. I knew my body was making the appropriate changes it needed- at least I was growing. I was further along- almost 12 weeks. My kids old enough to understand what had happened before repeatedly asked me if this baby was going to die like the last one and my response was always the same, "No, it is different this time." I went in that morning to have my appointment. Brian asked if he should go and this being my 6th time going through this and knowing he had work meetings, I quickly said, "It's ok, I am going to be fine and I know you have work that needs to get done" and off I went. Oh how I wish I would've had him there. The nurse could not hear a heartbeat, the next nurse could not hear a heartbeat, and then a third nurse could not hear a heartbeat. I still was not worried. I have a tipped uterus and I knew that from past experience that sometimes the doctors and nurses had a hard time finding a heartbeat that first or second appointment. Anyway, off they sent me to get an ultrasound. I called my husband to inform him what was going on and he then asked again if he should come meet me. Again, I said, "Honey, I am not even worried. I am going to be fine." Laying on the table getting an ultrasound I was fine, until I heard the words, "There definitely is a baby there and there definitely is no heartbeat." My baby was again taken from me. I was in shock! The thoughts that this can't be happening again to me and how do I tell my kids who were SO excited to have a baby again in the home would not escape my mind.

Fast forward to the next morning, we shared with my kids that we had lost our baby, many tears and hugs were shared between all of us. It was as devastating to them as it was to me, but in a very different manner of course.

How did I deal with this? Well, to be totally honest, I didn't for awhile. The first week or two, I laid in bed very sad and depressed. My kids would go off to school and I decided nothing could really motivate me. I had some "angels" in my life that would come over clean my house, make me dinner, sit with me, watch a movie with me, take my kids after school, etc. What a valuable resource to me-my friends! My family lived out of state except one sister who was 1 1/2 hr. away, but they also were a valuable resource. My sister took my kids on the weekend and I had a sister-in-law who had gone through the same thing and literally called me everyday! I will never forget the days that were really hard, I would look forward to her call. That was my "light" in my day. Another very valuable resource to me was my faith. I knew that because of Heavenly Father's plan that I would get to see this baby again! But I was not emotionally ready to move on. It hurt too bad! The coping mechanism that I used was denial. After a couple of weeks, the calls became more infrequent and I knew this was not healthy to not "live" and I had to pretend that I was ok to be a good mother to the rest of my children. Looking back, I know it was ok to pretend for awhile because as time went by little by little, I knew I would be ok. Kids are resilient, they were sad, but accepted and moved on it seemed in no time. My husband was a huge support to me. A man's experience through something like this is very different from the mother's. The emotional attachment had not yet begun for him, I believe because it was so early on. In time, I was fine as well.

I loved some of the comments in class this week from Bro. Williams. "The minute adjustments we make become enormous", and "copying is not just learning how to get by." As I view my crisis in regards to these statements, I do notice that is was just the smallest minute adjustments that helped me start coping with my situation. I also notice that copying was not getting me back to who I was. I had to do more than that to live again. Heavenly Father loves each of us. We came to this earth to grow and have trails, and without them we cannot grow and become like Him. I am thankful for trials that have helped me discover who I am and what I am made of.

 

Intimacy and Family Life

This week's topic was not very comfortable for me to talk about in a class setting.  Thank heavens for Bro. Williams, our professor, in his teaching style and the way he makes everyone feel at ease in his address. He addressed it in a manner that we talked about the differences between men and women. For purposes of this blog, I would like to focus on the part of intimacy that you can teach your children about this topic at different stages in their life.  For instance, at 4 years old, I believe that you should only teach your child what they need to know or are inquiring about at that time--for example, teach them that their male friends or girl friends have different body parts than they do.  I think it is very appropriate to teach them the correct anatomical body parts of each of the genders.  I also believe that by age 9, if you have not shared with them about the birds and the bees, that they will have already heard most everything.  How important is it to you that your child hears about this sacred topic from you-the parent?  Or does it matter who gives them the information?  Of course it does! Our children need to hear about this topic from you-their parents not their peers!  I also believe if you are not embarrassed or try to hide this information from your kids, then they will always come to you to ask questions.

Transitions to Marriage

This week in class we talked about the courting and the proposal stage of a couple's relationship, the wedding, the adjustments right after you are married and then the adjustments a husband/wife go through right after they have a baby.  It was very fun to listen this week in class to all the young college coeds talk about these topics.  It made me reflect on that stage of life for me.  I loved everything about my courting with Brian.  My proposal would not be made into a movie, but it was very endearing. Brian was so excited to propose to me, he couldn't keep a secret, so right in my college apartment, sitting on the couch, he pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him.  I smiled a huge grin, but then asked him if he would at least get on one knee.  My wish was granted, and I said "YES!" 
As talked about in class, there are adjustments to married life. Shortly after Brian and I were married, I started noticing our shampoo disappearing at rapid rates for only two people.  One day, I noticed he was shampooing his hair, he rinsed, and then started the process over again.  "What are you doing?" I questioned.  His reply, which still makes me giggle, "The back of the bottle says, 'Repeat if desired', and I desire to do so." :) Adjustments can be big or small.....
We were married a month shy of three years before we welcomed our beautiful baby daughter, Marissa.  Again, there are adjustments to being new parents. We quickly recognized that our carefree life would never be quite as carefree again. We now were on a schedule- no more late nights running to the store or to the movies unless planned with a babysitter. Our lives evolved with adjustments of schedule, but what a beautiful world our lives had become with a baby followed by three more.  I loved that time in my life of courting and being newly married, but I am also happy in the stage of life I am in now-if not more!