Raising Resilient Children

So, I said I would be addressing a different topic this week, but I am postponing that topic to address something that I found intriguing from one of my other classes on resilient children.  "How well children respond to setbacks depends largely on how well their parents helped them develop the attitudes and the skills of resilience.   Life is full of trials.  The Lords says that He has chosen us "in the furnace of affliction (Isaiah 48:10), and that we will be "tried, even as Abraham" (D&C 101:4), and that adversity will "give [us] experience, and shall be for [our] good" (D&C 122:7).  Lyle J. Burrup.  After hearing this, we have a responsibility as parents to help our children be able to be resilient to these trials and learn how to be strong individuals. 

This week we talked about risk and resilience.  What does "At Risk" mean?  In class we learned that to be at risk is a behavior or environment that are strongly linked to negative outcomes.  What are some of those behaviors?  Poverty, low birth weight, and lack of education are some that were mentioned in class.  I liked our discussion that talked about some of the at risks factors for those that were in poverty and low birth weight.  These could include the following:  developmental lags, more susceptible to illness, crime, violence, low education, drugs and substance abuse, risky sexual relations, and single parent homes.  The best therapy for these "at risk" individuals is an educated, well inform and involved parent.  Something that affects poverty more than all of these though is No Dad in the Home.  Two parents that are engaged and involved are the best environment for them.  

 

So how does one get resilience? First off, resilience is the ability to "bounce back" from something; it is a resistance to change.  Some of the resilient factors are genetics, environment, independence and temperament.  Qualities that I would like to have my children continue to develop are a hard worker, that they can do hard things, they can make good use of their time to be more productive, they will be resourceful, to lean on their faith and know what it's like to feel the spirit, stay positive even when times get tough, know how to cope when they get stressed, and how to handle and budget their money.    After talking with my partner in class, we decided that our children are always watching us.  We are their example and for the best way to teach our children qualities that we want them to have, we must also exemplify these same qualities.  We are always an example! To be resilient they need to have qualities that they know how to deal with life.  Children best learn from natural consequences of their decisions, but if we do not provide them with tools to know how to adapt, then it will be harder for for them to be resilient.  In D&C 122:7 it says that adversity will "give experience, and shall be for good".

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

In 1995, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a proclamation to the world concerning the family. It summarizes eternal gospel principles that have been taught since the beginning of recorded history and even before the earth was created.  Before President Gordon B. Hinckley read “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” at a general meeting of the Relief Society in September 1995, he said: “With so much of sophistry that is passed off as truth, with so much of deception concerning standards and values, with so much of allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn. In furtherance of this we of the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles now issue a proclamation to the Church and to the world as a declaration and reaffirmation of standards, doctrines, and practices relative to the family which the prophets, rs, and revelators of this church have repeatedly stated throughout its history” (“Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,”Ensign,Nov. 1995, 100).
 
In my blog over the next couple of months I would like to break down this proclamation and write what it means to me.  I have also attached a copy of the proclamation if you would like to read the whole thing quicker than I can blog about it. https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/images/gospel-library/manual/34190/34190_000_WWC_26-FamProc.pdf

I love the title of the proclamation The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  It very clearly addresses families. We all belong to a family.  The audience for this proclamation is the whole world! And what are we doing?  Proclaiming those that we sustain as prophets, seers, and revelators.  This titile means that the proclamation can help anyone in the world! I am excited to blog about each of the meanings in the proclamation.  Next week, I will blog about the following paragraph:

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

1. “We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

Stress and Coping

Just in one week of class, I have learned far more about the words "stress" and "coping" than I have ever thought about them before!  I've always thought that stress is a reaction from your mind and body to certain situation or things.  I stress very easily about most things.  Some stressors in my life I have learned how to control. I was excited to take this class not only for my degree, but to find ways that could help me.  I have been pleasantly surprised to be told that stress can be positive or negative.  Yay for positive stress!  In class, stress was talked about as in trees, a bone, and pre-stressed concrete.  When talking about the stress of a tree, that's when I truly understood how stress can be positive.  Stress helps someone or something to stretch beyond what is customary.  A tree truck needs to have stress to bend.  Without this, it could not bend, and the bending of the trunk allows the trunk to thicken which helps it to live longer.  As stress is put on the tree, it also allows the roots of the tree to stretch for water, which also prolong the life of a tree.  I have seen many people stake their young trees at the top with a rebar pole and some string or twine.  This does not allow the tree to have tension to bend, which does not thicken the trunk resulting in a short life.  I have thought a lot about this concept since class and families.  How many times do we see or find ourselves as parents "holding" onto our children and not allowing them to experience life.  We may do this so they don't fail or they don't get embarassed, but this actually stunts their mental and emotional growth.  Without this stretching on family members, we can not be stressed or grow to our full potential. In the Book of Mormon, Lehi has pointed out that "opposition is essential for personal growth." Research has shown that those with a hardy view of stress, for example, will look at a potentially difficult event as a challenge rather than as something to be feared.

 

This leads into the second part of our week's discussion on coping.  I loved the example of the coping saw and crown moulding in class.  I know I am a visual learner, so that was perfect for me to understanding more about coping.  A coping saw can cut into wood where other saws can't.  It cuts with intricate detail for two pieces to come together on an inward wall.   The illustration of how the moulding was put into place with a person on both ends and then one or two people in the middle putting stress on the moulding for it to slide into place. You then add a small bit of caulking to finish the moulding for it to be a finished, beautiful project.  I thought that in a family we also need everyone to work together to come together beautifully and with a tight fit.  When someone is not helping out or doing their part, then it is hard for everyone to see the beauty of the situation because they were not involved in the work. I then thought how the caulking could be the outside influences we may need, as in the gospel, or friends, or counselors to help us complete a stressful situation. When referring to a swimming pool, Bro. Williams said in class, "Good coping saves lives."  I now, more than ever, believe this. 

This is going to be a great semester!

Divorce

Sometimes in life people do something they probably never dream about doing and that is divorce.  After reading articles, hearing testimonies in class, and seeing and hearing data about divorce and blended families, I feel a lot more informed. 
At what point should you divorce?  In class, we decided that neglect/abuse, substance, and adultery were all very valid reasons for divorce, but outside of that, nobody really had an answer.  It is such a personal choice. Studies do show that 70% of couples that work through marital issues over a 5 year span, are very or somewhat satisfied that they never divorced.

We talked about effects of divorce on a family.  Here are some of the results:
1- Children of a divorced parent will most often divorce themselves.
2-Children in a divorced home will often blame themselves because often times the parents end up fighting over them.
3-If there is legal custody of a child and it is 50/50, the child tends to have more "power" over their parents.
4-62% of a mother and child will go in poverty when father is out of the picture
5-The lifestyle of parents change because dad is now paying child support and often times will have to move further away (400 miles on average) to get a better income to pay for two households.

President James E. Faust said, "The traumatic experience one goes through in divorce seems little understood and not well enough appreciated; and certainly there need to be much more sympathy and understanding for those who have experienced this great tragedy and whose lives cannot be reversed. For those who are divorced, there is still much to be hoped for and expected in terms of fulfillment and happiness in life, in the forgetting of self and in the rendering of service to others."

This class has changed my life on insights into families and relationships. I hope to take this knowledge as I continue to raise my family. Again, thanks for following this blog- I have appreciated your comments.

My Forever Family!

Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them." - President Thomas S. Monson

 

When I was little, I remember saying that when I grow up the only thing I wanted to be was a mom!  I am grateful for this blessing of having children and having this wish granted!  My children have been the center of my universe!  I love their personalities! I love their hugs! I love our talks together! I love our family trips together! I hurt when they hurt or don't succeed! I love to take care of them! I love to watch them grow physically, academically and spiritually!  I just love them!  

 

Parenting is an exciting time, but it is also a trying time too.  No day is ever perfect, but how a parent deals with the day helps set the tone for the whole house.    We learned of three different types of parenting- Authoritarian-control oriented, few choices, "you must respect me!", Permissive-neglecting child's needs, choices and no consequences, little effort or direction, and Authoritative-friendly, but firm, long term results, consistent, and transparent. I would like to think I am an Authoritative type parent.  Although, I think at times I see myself, depending on the issue, fall into any one of those categories.  I think the important issue to remember is the phrase, "Be firm and friendly."  We can be our children's friends, but we also need to teach them.  Most of the time those lessons are best taught by letting them take the lead, even when it's not the choice you would take and then possibly failing. We may need to step in when it is too dangerous/physical harm, too far into the future, or it affects others negatively.  The goal is not compliance, it is learning.  I am learning. I am not perfect, but I am learning.  I can't say it enough that I am grateful to be a mom to Marissa, 

Josh, Dan, and Abrea!

 

I have absolutely loved this class! I walked out of class this week, and thought-this class is real life.  We will all have relationships and need to know how to communicate.  We all came from families and have been parented or will parent, and we all go through some form of crisis.  Thank you for following my blog.  I have one week left of class, but would like to keep writing for anybody wanting to follow!

Finances

"We do live in turbulent times. Often the future is unknown; therefore, it behooves us to prepare for uncertainties. Statistics reveal that at some time, for a variety of reasons, you may find yourself in the role of financial provider. I urge you to pursue your education and learn marketable skills so that, should such a situation arise, you are prepared to provide."  - President Thomas S. Monson

 

Two years ago our family uprooted from our home in Washington.  We had lived in that area for 15 years. This was a exciting, but very hard move for us.  At this time, we had everything in financial control......or so we thought.  Fast forward to 2 years later, we have found a way to really be in financial control.  

 

My father and mother-in-law got called on a Mormon mission to Brazil for 18 months.  This was an exciting time for our family!  We had offered a year previous to ever help out where we could if they ever wanted go and serve.  We knew that they had help Great Grandma Shirley a lot and would have a hard time leaving her. Since Brian is employed with a company that allows him to work from home, we knew this would be a possibility for us to also take this journey.  The kids were all on board (except one, kind of) and we packed up our belongings that could fit into a 26 foot UHaul, sold some of our stuff, gave away some of our stuff, and even burned some of our stuff to journey to Idaho!  This was going to be a fun experience as a family! and it has been!

 

Having no mortgage was an easy adjustment, how could it not be?  We quickly realized though with the improvements we had made to our home in Washington and a few other small debts, that we really did not have extra money and this is where that mortgage money needed to go.  What a blessing this was in our lives!  Mom and Dad Shirley, we cannot thank you enough!  Brian and I realized that we had to really work hard to pay these debts off and save so we could be in a home before our parents returned from their mission!  If you want to find out how to decrease your debt in a very effect way, please read Marvin J. Ashton's talk, "One for the Money". This can be found via LDS.org or ProvidentLiving.org. 

 

I have learned a lot about needs and wants these last couple of years.  As we packed up to move, I realized that stuff is just that-Stuff!  As long as you have the means to provide and take care of your spouse and children, that is all that matters.  As I look around my home, I am so grateful for a husband that works hard and is successful in his job that he provides so well for his family!  I am also grateful for the education I have and I am getting to also help provide.  There are many opportunities out in the world to improve your lifestyle with education-Go Make Your Dreams Come True

!

Family Communication

"Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say, like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'."- President Ezra Taft Benson

My sisters-me, Jo, Tasha, Marci, Mishelle, Kami, Rashelle, & Tamara

How does your family communicate? Communication comes through more than mere words. We also communicate with non-verbal words-our actions, our verbal-words and our tone.  In fact, did you know that words make up only 14% of our communication, tone is 35%, and non-verbal is 51%!  When our mom's said, "Actions speak louder than words", she knew what she was talking about!

Another sister-me & Amber

Rashelle, Shane( brother) & me

For some, communication is an art-it comes easily, always make sense, and the words seem to flow so freely.  For others, communication is learned. It has hard to say what you mean, or quite often one may have the words formulated in their head, but it comes out all wrong.

Jo, Tasha, me & Jeff-brother

Yes, one more sister & brother-JB & Jess

I have many examples in my life of communication and loyalty-- my family!  I have posted many pictures in my blog today, because I wanted to share where my greatest friends and examples have been of how to communicate. They have "give (me) the benefit of the doubt, assuming the best (in me), and being patiently and kind and generous in my communication to them.  I have 7 siblings and my husband has 2 siblings, but I consider all of my brothers and sisters-in-law, as my own siblings.  You may call that crazy, but I love it! There have been many times over the years that my siblings have been very patient with me.  I have a habit of speaking before I speak.  As you can imagine, at times this has maybe hurt feelings and been very embarrassing!   My siblings though are my greatest fans and have looked on my heart and not so much of my words.  They have offered great feedback-how I know my words were really received.  I have adjusted over the years, but at times it is easy to slip up.

 In Ephsians 4:26-27 it reads, "Be ye angry; and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath; neither give place to the devil." vs. 29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Some examples of corrupt communication are criticism, sarcasm, belittling, etc. The second part of that verse is how I would like to end this blog and it is how my professor ended class, "Anything you may say, make sure it is full of grace, it builds up, it edifies, and it is pure. My siblings- thank you for being loyal to me-I love you!